Top ten ways to get called in by the school social worker

Top ten tried and true ways to get called in by the school social worker if you're a parent:

• Bring complimentary Scotch and Pepsi to PTA meetings. Tell them it's what you give your son to "calm him down" when you just want some peace and quiet.

• Smack your gum and clip your toenails while waiting in the office for no one in particular. You have to smile sarcastically at the secretary and then roll your eyes at her every once in a while for this to really work. when she tells you "the rules", snap your gum loudly and wiggle your foot at her face and shout, "It's a free country! I can do what I want!"

• When someone says something you don't like on curriculum night, throw your hand up, shake your head, and say, "Please! I encourage you to keeps your thoughts to yourself! I'm assuming you're not going to be teaching my child this crap! What kind of BS is this? This is worse than the PTA meetings... Shut up and sit down!... Shall we take this outside?! Shall we?... Look here, I encourage you to stop telling me to settle down. You are being highly irregular! Must I call your mother?! Oh, you do need a good spanking! I encourage myself to give you one right now! Let me through!... Let me through!"

• Bring your freshly groomed Maltese to pickup. Put her down and shout, "Kill, Cujo. Kill!" at the top of your lungs and start screaming.

• At drop off, block the door of your child's class room until AFTER the bell rings so everyone but your child can be tardy (this must be done at least 4 or 5 times in a trimester to work).

• Bring your beach blanket and bikini and sunbathe on the playground at recess. Don't forget to ask the school yard matron to rub some suntan lotion on those hard to reach spots for you like a good sweetie.

• Walk down the hallway with your cell phone to your ear and vehemently repeat, "Yeah, but I didn't inhale! It doesn't count!"

• When the teacher sends a little red note home with your child about what they are "encouraging" your child to do, respond with a large white note telling her off COMEPLETELY!

• Encourage your child to stage a protest when they don't get an "I was so good today" sticker but the goody two shoe little biddy next to them does.

and my favorite:

• Sing "I'm bringing Sexy back" like you really mean it on the school library reading stage. (Don't forget to strip it off).

Hope you enjoyed. If you've got any you'd like to share, let us know. Or if you have top ten subjects you'd like us to create a list for, let us know.
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